Blue Around the Edges

The Record Room--I got the chair from the cheap Abilities Unlimited in town--you can tell the dog has been chewing on the corner.  Ugh!  The table from the pricey Abilities store.  The art was from the Goodwill in Oxford, Mississippi.  We need a large piece of art on the  wall on the left that you can't see, but we're still hunting for that.  Photos when it's finished.
The Record Room–I got the chair from the cheap Abilities Unlimited in town–you can tell the dog has been chewing on the corner. Ugh! The table from the pricey Abilities store. The art was from the Goodwill in Oxford, Mississippi. We need a large piece of art on the wall on the left that you can’t see, but we’re still hunting for that. Photos when it’s finished.

Some days/weeks/seasons I get a bit blue around the edges, and I could, and do, retreat for days.  On days like that, you need your Mama to come visit and scoop you up in her car and take you on the hunt for white lights to hang up in your bedroom because you are desperate to make it as cozy as the Autumn porn on Tumblr.  We also took Mearl-Purvis to Andy’s for a Pumpkin Pie Concrete for me and a puppy cone for her.  I haven’t got the white lights sorted out just yet, but Kelly did drag out our mini prelit foyer Christmas tree out of the garage for me.  I kept the ornaments off it, but I felt like plugging it in Tuesday night and having the cozy lights so I did.  I love the Fall/Winter holiday time of year.  Even when I’m blue, it can be fairly easily helped by curling up in soft, warm clothing and watching a movie or reading a book or snuggling with a pet.

During the debate Monday night, I tried to call Kylie Jenner.  About two minutes after Rob tweeted her phone number, it’s not my proudest moment, but I’ll admit, I dialed it.  It had already been shut off by that point and went to some standard no longer working number recording.  I was asked what I would have said if she’d answer, and I had to admit I hadn’t thought that far ahead, yet.  Poor girl, I was one of the creepies calling you on Monday night.  If you ever stumble upon this, I’m sorry.  Today, I also accidentally sent Kendall Jenner a hideous snapchat of me looking ugly intentionally.  I usually send a daily one to Kelly, but since Kendall starts with a K, I accidentally sent it to her.  I also sent her a snap text apology, but she doesn’t see my message apparently until she adds me as a friend.  Go figure, but there’s where my life is now.

Kelly and I are going to see Vintage Hitchcock at the Fowler Center on Friday night, and I’m so excited!  We were going to see it when we visited Charleston, South Carolina last year, but the show was cancelled. They are also going to live stream it on KASU on Saturday night which is so cool!  You can listen here on Saturday evening at 7:30 p.m. if you’re not able to go.

Otherwise, I’m not one who cares about shoes because for me, they’re just utilitarian.  My outfit could be amazing, and I’ll be wearing the most busted up old ass shoes, but the works of art below could change my mind.  Unfortunately, I can’t even walk in heels, and I don’t care enough to learn.  I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to walk in these, but they are a work of art.  todiefor

Finally, since I turned 35, I feel like I’m 80, for real.  I get heartburn like every day.  I’ve narrowed it down to the fact that I think it’s the result of drinking coffee literally all day long.  I’m going to have to give up/or severely, severely cut back on my intake.  The last week has been really bad so I’m starting to look at what I’ve been eating and drinking lately which has largely been massive amounts of coffee and crap.  Ugh, I’m going to have to make a lifestyle change, just shoot me.  Booooooorrrrrrrriiinnggggggg.

Feeling Good

So I’m usually behind on everything because I’m picky and because I can be kind of stubborn and fight the tastes of the masses.  Anyway, I’d heard about Hayao Miyazaki’s work for ages here in Internetland and from friends, but I just recently checked out some of his movies from the library.  I watched Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro over the weekend.  I really loved Spirited Away, and My Neighbor Totoro was pretty cute.  I’ll have to check out his other films now, too.

So in crisis news, I discovered our indoor cats (as in don’t ever go outside) have fleas.  I’m thinking it’s from a two second escape one made one day or from the cat tree we got.  All the cats have been dosed with meds that promise to kill fleas and their eggs, but I still feel freaked the eff out as if my kids came home with head lice.  I can’t deal with little creepy shit.  I also freaked out because ants are invading around our sink.  I nuked them with some chemical smelling Clorox kitchen cleaning spray which will probably be ingested because it was near our dishes where I was spraying.  Undoubtedly, K. and I will have a third eyeballs soon, but I don’t care.  Not in my house, dudes.  I told Kelly to say a prayer all the creepy crawlies left soon, or I’d be forced to move out.

Continue reading Feeling Good

Anxiety Disorder, Take 450293040328

The picture of anxiety and awkwardness as a child. That moment when you think something sounds like fun, but then you realize it isn't such a good idea for your personality type. Look at those clenched toes. I remember hating everything about this moment.
The picture of anxiety and awkwardness as a child. That moment when you think something sounds like fun, but then you realize it isn’t such a good idea for your personality type. Look at those clenched toes. I remember hating everything about this moment.

Before I post this, you should know that I’m not angry.  I’m not angry, but I’m tired.  I’m tired of people with anxiety dealing with the insensitivity, the condescension, the misunderstanding.  I’m so tired.  Mental health is so misunderstood in so many ways in our country.

It started as a child (This was before my Mom got it.  She gets it now), I would tell my Mom I was nervous and worried all the time, or I would be hiding the bathroom before school, and I would get the, “You can do this!  Just don’t think about what other people are thinking about you!  They don’t matter.”  Oh, Mom.  If only it were that easy.  She realized this as it continued to work on me as a teen.  Before a date one time, I was hysterical in the bathroom sobbing.  I went to the front door and said to my date, “I can’t do this.”  Then, I shut the door in his face and resumed crying in my room and hating myself the rest of the day.

As an adult it still manifests in many ways in my life.  It frustrates me when I mention the lifelong struggle, and seemingly well-meaning people who do not truly understand anxiety disorder come out the woodwork with their “advice”.  They mention they’ve experienced anxiety, too, but they’ve overcome it, or they just “fake it ‘til they make it.” That is called having a hard week, or I’ll be generous and say maybe even a period of anxiety.  It is nothing like generalized anxiety disorder.  It is hard to hear and unhelpful when you tell someone who truly struggles with anxiety disorder.  While I still love you, if you say this to me, I am mentally, or depending on the day I’ve had, maybe even physically rolling my eyes at you.  It is nothing like having normalcy stolen every day from what feels like a cancer of the mind.  Continue reading Anxiety Disorder, Take 450293040328

On E

Lately, I look at this photo of Fran trying fried chicken for the first time a few weeks ago. It never fails to provide a glimmer of happy.
Lately, I look at this photo on my phone of Fran trying fried chicken for the first time a few weeks ago. It never fails to provide a glimmer of happy.

When I was growing up, I assumed that depression would be more glamorous.  I pictured Debra’s meltdown in Empire Records where she was surrounded by her friends all blathering on about how much she added to the world and how much they loved her.  I figured it would have a killer soundtrack, maybe a song by Kate Bush.  I figured I might gaze forlornly out a window, a tear or two gliding down my cheek.  I read all the gothic poetry, and it all seemed to be a reverie of fog, perfect crushed velvet jackets, and opiates.  Everyone, slick on some black lipstick and channel Fairuza BalkContinue reading On E

“But I Held My Breath, I Kicked My Feet”

Sun beam magic and my kitty friend nearby
Sun beam magic and my kitty friend nearby

Lately, time seems to be moving very fast, yet so slow.  How is that possible?  Days feel like an eternity of the same over and over, but then, the family met up last Tuesday evening to celebrate Dad turning sixty.  Kelly will be forty very soon.  I am explaining all this to him, and I am indignant, “It’s going by too fast!”  He has almost been on the Earth for forty years, and then one day it will be my turn.  Eek! Slow down, life.  Slow down.  I want to shake the younger ones and “dress them down” as K. says. I’ll tell them the mistakes not to make, but then, I want to dream.  There’s still time for me, too. Continue reading “But I Held My Breath, I Kicked My Feet”

Great Skin

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I love Murad products. I’ve been trying and loving their Environmental Shield line!

If you’ll remember in a prior post, I recently bemoaned the fact that I hadn’t had a facial in years.  My last and only facial occurred ages ago as part of a birthday gift of a complete spa package.  It came following an hour of massage.  I must admit after an hour of relaxation, I was half asleep and didn’t care what anyone was doing to my face.  It was a wonderful day, but I don’t feel like I truly appreciated the full facial experience of a consultation with an esthetician.

As an unashamed Real Housewives junkie (Atlanta and Beverly Hills), I always stare in awe at the TV after they come out of their facials with the the most perfect youthful and glowing skin.  Friends, I’ve finally experienced what I refer to as Real Housewives Flawless Face®!

For the complete facial experience, I recently stopped in at my local Massage Envy.  Like my massage experience, it was incredibly relaxing and had many long term benefits.  The receptionist greeted me with hot tea again, and I got to hang out in the Tranquility Room being tranquil until it was time.  Massage Envy has this hospitality thing down to an art, and it’s my favorite place to unwind for a couple of hours on a weekend.   Continue reading Great Skin

No Excuses

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My “Track”

In the past, whenever, I would “try” to eat healthy and add exercise to my life, I would always find excuses:  I wasn’t a member of a gym, cooking everything took up too much time, and in general, I was too busy.  “Too busy” is a funny thing.  I always seemed to find time to binge on Netflix.  I found time to lie on the couch and mindlessly scroll through Facebook.  I truly found time to do a lot of nothing!  When I chose to make positive choices for my long term life, it was amazing how much time I suddenly found!

Now, I am a member of a gym, however, the first place I started working out was my neighborhood “track”.  The track I’m referring to is literally a circle drive in my neighborhood. I have lost count of how many times around this small circle it takes to make a mile.  I had never really tried jogging so I wasn’t comfortable being with a lot of other people in the beginning as I worked on improving, but I faced the reality that change only happens when you refuse to allow yourself to make excuses. Little did I know, that the tree coverage in my neighborhood was perfect at providing cooler spots of shade when I was sweating buckets in the summer heat.  At first, I could only walk a mile, but you know what, I concentrated on just doing the best mile I could.  Before I knew it, my time had improved and I could do more.

I think we can be so hard on ourselves and expect so much from ourselves, so fast, when we start a new lifestyle.  Instead, I chose each day to focus on giving my all to whatever I was doing.  It’s okay that you can’t run when you start!  It’s okay that by the end of your first time jogging, your jog is more of a brisk walk. Ask yourself, “Am I giving this my all?” If you can answer in the affirmative, feel good about that and acknowledge what a strong body you have!  Sometimes, just forcing yourself to “dress out” and following through at the gym, is a huge accomplishment deserving of recognition.

Stop beating yourself up along the way.  Stop staring at yourself with disgust.  Stop judging yourself by harsher standards than you would others.  As you begin giving it your all and improving your life, I would also encourage you to stop making excuses.  Life changes that stick are made by making the conscious little decisions every single day to do what you need to do.

Bring on the Zen

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I find that truly taking notice of my surroundings as I hurry from one thing to the next can serve as a such a recharge!

Here’s where the honesty begins.  This personal journey started on a random Sunday. June 7th was the date, to be precise.  On that largely unremarkable day, my husband Kelly treated me to an hour massage at our local Massage Envy Spa Is it still considered treated if I begged him for two days straight?

When I arrived, I was warmly welcomed with a cup of hot green tea and answered some questions on a form about my occupation and any health issues that I had.  I skipped noting the glaringly obvious ones that arose in my head—sedentary lifestyle, sugar addiction, mental boredom and exhaustion, and what I’ll jokingly refer to as, extreme cowardice (aka generalized anxiety), and wrote, “Left shoulder pain, upper back pain, posture problem.”  Oh, the woes of a secretary or those that are cubicle bound.

The receptionist took me back to their Tranquility Room. The air temperature seemed to be perfect in this waiting room. The music is soothing.  The lights were dim, and fortunately, I was able to sprawl out on one of the cozy couches with no other company around. I thumbed through a magazine, paged through the company brochure, and scrolled through my phone.  I nervously bounced a leg.  While I’ve had a massage before and wasn’t nervous about that experience, these are my anxiety “ticks”.  I consciously forced myself to put everything away and tried to focus on deep breathing and relaxing. It wasn’t long before I found myself in a wonderful state of “zoned out”.

Continue reading Bring on the Zen