So I thought it was a good idea to kickstart my writing inspiration by posting old ramblings of mine here and just share, but you may have noticed, those have been deleted for several reasons.
First, I put two or three out here, but it just felt wrong. It was strange to reread them because I’m not that person anymore. If you think Timehop is bad for occasionally reminding you of who you used to be, you should try reading through old journals you scribbled in when you were young and often on drugs.
I used to be way more open on the internet (I know, some of you are thinking, “How is that even possible?” But I was.). It was from the safety of a Livejournal account that could be locked so only those people I wanted to read it had access to it, and I trusted them. Now, this is out there for everyone, and sorry guys, but I don’t know or even trust all of you who read this. I’ve been an open book my entire life. That’s me, and I will never lie about who I was or pretend I didn’t make poor choices in life, but honestly, it also makes me uncomfortable to confront that person now. Generally, I’m not a nostalgic person. I prefer to leave the past firmly in the past. I don’t have “good ol’ days.” My life has only improved with age.
Second, many of the old entries involve old relationships, if you could call some of them that (*ahem*). There aren’t any names mentioned, just vague references no one could probably figure out. It feels weird, though. While K. would never say anything to me, and he knows it’s all old shit/art, it feels disrespectful to him. I wouldn’t want to read about my husband’s past dalliances, and I wouldn’t want the rest of the internet to have those out there for their perusal either. I just always want to be sure to make a clear decision to put him first. I could write about him and go on and on, and I do in some form, but it’s not as intimate/it’s heavy on funny. That’s because I respect him more than anyone. While I am a cracked spine open book/ tell-all put it out there individual, I like to retain his privacy because that’s not necessarily who he is.
So I reflected, and I found it wasn’t right. I enjoy writing, and I think I collected plenty of good stuff back then, but I just need to push myself more in the here and now. I am happier than I have ever been…sometimes that happy doesn’t want to take the time to jot down every single fiber of how right life is; it just wants to live it, and that’s okay, too. So there won’t be old stuff anymore, and we’ll see about the new stuff. Writing has always been my medium of choice, and I’ll just have to figure out what role that plays here now. You’ll definitely still see posts here with randomness, and I’ll try to sort out if I’m up to journaling new stuff here.